A custom roast for their birthday, retirement, wedding, or Bachelorette party. Written from the nice things you tell us about them. We turn the compliments into ammunition. You get something the room actually laughs at.
"Tara is the most organized person I know. She built her whole business from scratch and still volunteers for everything."
"Tara has three modes: hosting, organizing, and 'just making suggestions.' Every committee she has ever joined has elected her president within six months. Including the one that didn't have a president."
You've got someone with a milestone coming up.
A 40th. A Retirement. A Wedding. A Bachelorette.You want a funny toast that everyone will enjoy. The kind of thing where the room laughs in the right places, the recipient pretends to be offended, and four people record it on their phones.
But you're not a comedian. And you don't have time to write 600 words of well-paced material between now and Saturday.
That's where we come in.
"Marcus does not eat at restaurants. He audits them. By the time the bread arrives, you've seen three flow charts and a Venn diagram."
A few specifics: what they do, what they're weirdly into, what they brag about more than necessary, what they complain about for no reason, the catchphrase you've heard four thousand times. The more specific you are, the better it gets.
Friendly Fire (grandma-safe), Real Roast (best-man-speech), or Scorched Earth (still affectionate, with some categories off the table, but it's just sharper).
A PDF you can read aloud at the event, hand over as a card, or print on cardstock and frame. You review it before anyone else sees it. Anything off? Tell us. We'll fix it.
When people make lists of all their subjects... "qualities", maybe faults and flaws, a roast usually ends up sounding like a rude Reddit comment.
We don't do that. We make you tell us what's good about them.
Because the best roasts aren't mean. They're affectionate. They take the things everyone loves about someone and twists them, just enough, into something that makes the room laugh.
The compliments are the ammunition. We just point them in the right direction.
"He's the kind of new dad who runs an eleven-tab spreadsheet on his twins. The product satisfaction score is currently a 7."
Built from: organized, prepared, great parentA few lines we've written for people who probably have a milestone coming up.
"Beth started planning Sarah's bachelorette eighteen months out. Sarah was not yet engaged. In Beth's words she was, 'just getting ahead of it.'"
The group trip planner"He sends a weekly power-rankings email to his fantasy league. There are footnotes. There are charts. His actual job gets neither, and is starting to notice."
The fantasy commissioner"She got into wellness at 38. Every meal now opens with a brief explanation of what she is not eating. The wine has been cleared. The bread is still up for debate."
The wellness convert"Brad once turned a flight delay into a 600-word LinkedIn post about resilience. The post got 4,200 likes. Brad now misses flights on purpose."
The LinkedIn thought leaderRight now, the pilot is the PDF. After the pilot, four ways to put the roast on something you can hang, hold, or hand over.
Three to four minutes of read-aloud comedy. Subject's name at the top, body set in serif typography, RoastGift wordmark in the footer. Print it on cardstock or read it off your phone.
An 11x14 framed print, professionally typeset. Wedding-invitation typography, thin red rule under the title, clean black wood frame. The kind of thing that survives the party and ends up on the wall.
A 16x20 framed print built around their photo. Their face at the top, and the five sharpest lines from the roast arranged below as discrete quotes. Less reading, more impact.
A 16x20 framed print with a custom illustrated caricature of them as the visual hero, and four of the punches that already made the room laugh arranged around it. The signature gift.
Once we know which line is "the one", we'll put it where it'll keep bringing laughs.
"His Peloton would like to speak to a manager."
T-shirt, $35
"Born to correct the news."
Mug, $25
"Most-avoided person on the PTA group chat."
Refrigerator Magnet, $11No jokes about race, religion, weight, mental health, active addiction, serious illness, family tragedy, or anything in that neighborhood. Ever. There's plenty of comedic material in someone's Peloton obsession.
No mean-for-mean's-sake. Every line is written to be funny and affectionate. The goal is "they laugh, then they tell their friends." Not "they laugh, then they call their lawyer."
No surprises for you. You see the draft first. If anything's off (too sharp, too soft, accidentally hits a sore spot), tell us and we'll rewrite it before the event.
"Alice is so dedicated to perfection that she once wrote a 47-page office policy manual. Alice works alone, at home."
Like this:
Only if you tell them. The PDF reads like something a witty friend wrote on the back of a cocktail napkin.
Then we screwed up the brief. Send us notes and we'll rewrite anything you flag. The goal is laughs, and we'll keep at it until we get them.
No. This is for occasions where the subject is in on the fun: birthdays, retirements, weddings, that kind of thing. If we sense the relationship is hostile rather than affectionate, we'll politely decline. The good news: there's almost always somebody else in your life with an occasion coming up.
Yes. Self-roast is welcome. Some of the funniest results in our testing came from people roasting themselves at their own birthdays.
Please do. Tag us if you can. We're trying to figure out if there's a real business here, and seeing where these end up is some of the best feedback we can get.
This is a real service we're testing with our first ten customers. In exchange for free, we ask one thing: about ten minutes of honest feedback after the event. Did it land? Would you have paid for it? What would you have changed?
No money changes hands. No subscription, no upsell at the end, no card on file. Just a roast, in exchange for your honest take on it.
Tell us about them. Takes about eight minutes. We'll have your draft within 48 hours.